How Far
by HighonLP
Summary: Mac’s thoughts after overhearing the conversation in Webb’s hospital room at the end of “Shifting Sands”


Title: "How Far" Author: Daphne E-mail: Srtaborradora84@yahoo.com Archive: Let me know if you do Disclaimer: I don't owe them and I have no money so don't sue me. Category: Post ep, Songfic and Mac fic.kinda M/H romance Rating: PG-13 for a couple words Summary: Mac's thoughts after overhearing the conversation in Webb's hospital room at the end of "Shifting Sands" Spoilers: Picks up after the end of "Shifting Sands" Author Note: I got a new CD two days ago and as soon as I heard this CD I started picturing Harm and Mac Song: "How Far" by Martina McBride ((I'll upload it in my group ASAP))  
  
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I walk slowly away from the room. I can't believe it. He's a spook now. He isn't even going to try to get reinstated. He is just.moving on. And he hasn't even told me about it. Sure, I told him that we would never work, but I'd never expected him to give up like that. And even if he'd given up on us in a romantic way, why did that mean we have to be nothing.not even friends. I sigh and unlock my car door, turning to a country station on the radio. I'd never admit to it, but I love country, it always seems to fit my mood and tonight is no exception.  
  
**There's a boat, I could sail away. There's the sky, I could catch a plane There's a train, there's the tracks I could leave and I could choose not to come back Oh never come back**  
  
Well, as for sailing away, I tried that trick after Mic left. And he followed me to the Guadalcanal, but when I asked if he'd give up Renee, he couldn't answer. And planes...my stomach doesn't really appreciate them and they only remind me of him even more.and speaking of trains, why on earth did he think it would be smart to park on the tracks in front of one? And my own words ring in my ears, 'I'm coming back you know.' I never thought things would go as wrong as they did. I figured I'd come back and we'd talk.we'd work it all out.I sigh as I continue to drive towards Georgetown. It seems that our rollercoaster ride of a personal relationship has finally been completely derailed.  
  
**There you are, giving up the fight Here I am begging you to try Talk to me, let me in But you just put your walls back up again Oh when's it gonna end**  
  
Since when is Harm a quitter? Even when he lost his ability to fly, he did everything in his power to get it back..and he did. He got his eyes fixed and changed his designator and was a pilot again. Harm never gave up. It isn't like him. And it really isn't like him to shut me out. It took awhile, but we both managed to break down each other's walls and now? Now he's shut me out completely. He joined the CIA without even telling me.  
  
**How far do I have to go to make you understand? I wanna make this work so much it hurts, but I just can't Keep on giving; go on living with the way things are So I'm gonna walk away And it's up to you to say how far**  
  
I love him. I've admitted that to myself, Sturgis, and even Clay. And I'd like nothing more than to spend the rest of my life with him and to have a family with him. But, if he can't get up the nerve to say the words to me then can he really be that serious about us? Sure he gave up his job, but maybe that was more out of his sense of duty than anything else. I mean, I risked my life to go to Russia with him and I used my visions to find him in the Atlantic. So, maybe he felt like he owed me that much. Or maybe he thought that everyone in the office expected it of him and would have lost respect for him if he'd have left me to die. Or maybe it's the 'I don't like breaking in new partners' thing.  
  
And sure, I could say it first, but I tried that in Sydney and he rejected me. I wanted to jump overboard so badly, I don't think I could go through that again. And every time I start the conversation, he wants to 'table it.'  
  
**There's a chance I could change my mind But I won't, not till you decide What you want, what you need Do you even care if I stay or leave? Oh, what's it gonna be**  
  
Since the words left my mouth, I've wanted to take them back millions of times. But he has to get his head out of six and wake up. I'm not going to wait around forever for him to state his intentions. I'm not getting any younger. He just needs to open his mouth and his heart and then he'd figure it out. But he always settles back on the 'I think you know' thing instead of just saying it.  
  
And now? Now he seems to care less if I'm dead or alive. So maybe he just wanted to get into my uniform skirt. I mean, if he loved me, then he'd still want to be in my life, right? He wouldn't just cut me out. He's so damn confusing!  
  
**How far do I have to go to make you understand? I wanna make this work so much it hurts, but I just can't Keep on giving; go on living with the way things are So I'm gonna walk away And it's up to you to say how far**  
  
Life without him just seems so pointless. But, I can't just keep tabling our relationship. It either has to happen or he has to let me move on. Don't I deserve to be happy? And I'm tired of playing this cat and mouse game.  
  
**Out of this chair, or just across the room Halfway down the block or halfway to the moon**  
  
It isn't as if he hasn't been able to reach me the past few days. He could've called and said, "Hey, Mac, by the way, I'm going to work for the same people that I've despised the past eight years." Isn't that one of his biggest problems with Clay? The whole 'need to know' thing?  
  
I don't think that I was out of line that night in his apartment. He does only seem to want me when I'm not in a position to return it. When I'm in a different country, then he wants me.he has to have me. But when I'm in the same state, he can't even pick up the phone to give me a call. And when I'm throwing myself at him, he's not ready to let go because it's too complicated. But when I've just been through hell and just want my best friend, he's an ass and wants to push the conversation. And then when I'm ready to have it, 'Can't we table this discussion until later.' How many times was he going to say later? Would it ever be the right time? Or was he just planning on stringing me along forever? So, I got scared. I pushed him away.hard. And he didn't try to come back. In fact, he ran away even further. So far away, that I don't even know when he's made a life-changing decision.  
  
**How far do I have to go to make you understand? I wanna make this work so much it hurts, but I just can't Keep on giving, go on living with the way thins are So I'm gonna walk away And it's up to you to say Yeah, I'm gonna walk away And it's up to you to say how far.**  
  
I love Clay. He almost died for me. But, I'm not in love with him. I'm in love with Harm. And that's how it always will be. So, I'll wait a bit longer. I'll see if he comes back. I can't give up that hope, because while the Navy is all he had, the hope that he and I will be together is all I have. He'll come around, right? He gave up the Navy and JAG for me so he has to want a future with me. Right? The question is.how far will we drift apart before it becomes too far? And will we both still be alive when it does?  
  
THE END 


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